“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.” -- Greta Garbo

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

1000 Day

No weight change.

That doesn't make me anxious, because at least I'm not gaining, but I'm stressing a little about other things. For graduation, my mom mentioned wanting to go to Ruth's Chris (a really nice and expensive steakhouse) after the ceremony. I'm worried that I'll get there and won't find anything that's safe to eat or if I do I'll only eat a little bit which will come off as ungrateful (a meal for one person there is like $30 and upwards). And what if they get dessert (oh god)? Last time I went I had the swordfish, so there'll probably be something that's fine. I'm also worried about my senior class banquet; I have absolutely no clue what they'll be serving and I don't want everyone at my table to notice me eating only three bites or something. Ugghh. I'll just have to do well for these next couple of weeks to be able to "afford" those two meals.

I'm also worried about my family's plans for the after-graduation dinner. My mom wants to have dinner with her boyfriend and my father's family (the step-mother, step-siblings, grandparents, etc.), but the very idea horrifies me. My mother and father never talk to each other, and it would just be too much drama. I don't even want my mom's boyfriend to go to my graduation. I absolutely despise him. Absolutely. He's the reason I'm going to go live with my dad this summer. Ugh. And my brother will be coming to my graduation. He's the reason why I'm a perfectionist and cannot allow myself to fail, ever. Because his life is one huge failure.

I also had a major pity-party looking at my body in the mirror today. Ugh. I don't even want to start. And I've been lapsing back into my skin-picking. I'm trying to stop, and I tell myself that what I'm doing is screwing my face up, but I just keep going at it. And, not to brag, but I would have really really nice skin if I would leave it alone! B/c I'm half-asian and neither my father or my mother really ever had bad skin problems.

End of venting. Well. I've been exercising. Spent half an hour on the exercise bike and have been doing crunches, lunges, squats, and leg lifts lately.

1 banana
2 oranges
1 Special K bar
other half of the turkey sandwhich from yesterday
1 dried fig
1 Mini Babybel Light
9 mini cheddar rice cakes
Total: 980

Tomorrow's 500.


skinny love said...

Don't you hate how all social events have to revolve around food?

Why is food the only thing that seems to bring people together (if only falsely)?

I think I've got dDermatillomania as well.

PrettyWreck said...

Ugh, I agree with Skinny Love. I realized today when I was driving around just how gluttonous we all are. A few of my friends, I only ever saw to go out to dinner. I'm like "There has to be more to do". Even the movies is all about eating and watching something. Everything is food. It's really pathetic.

Well, it's your graduation, right?

Tell her that you know she wants to do something nice, but that what you really want is something else. Like...out here, we have a place that's called Souper Tomato. It's a Salad Bar, literally. All they serve is soup and salad. And REALLY GOOD SOUPS, most of which are super low calorie. See if you have something like that, and tell her that you really want to go there. That it's your favorite place. Since it's your graduation, all you want is a small celebration at a place like that.

She's talking about spending a lot of money on you. Obviously she wants to make it special by having everyone you love there. Just try to tell her that what would be really special is to go to a place that you really like (that's actually safe (or safer than a steak house)) with just a few people--maybe even just her alone. And if she asks why you want it small, maybe just be honest and tell her that you're worried about any sort of stress that her and your dad would cause by being together, and even though you know they're adults, and you're probably worrying over nothing, that it would make you just feel better if it were a small group (or even you and her. If you just say "I'd rather just spend time with you on that day" she'll feel special). You really want to make it seem like you're not judging her or your dad, but that it's you who's to blame. Act like you feel guilty about it, and make sure emphasize that you really would like the safer place, with a smaller group. The less people there, the less stress.

I...spent YEARS with the step parents, parents thing going on. You really want to try to take the blame off of them and put it on yourself, and make your mom feel special. It's really hard, but if you work it right, I think you'll be safe, lovey.

skinny love said...

Yeah, I know I'm perfectly sane. And you're right, it's mostly stress and just the terrible obsession that consumes my every thought. I can't concentrate in school because all I think about is foodweightfatfoodweightfat.

This summer I'm not going to be living at home, and that is when I know I will be able to control myself. While my family isn't large (everyone is slim but me!), we eat ridiculous amounts of food, without thought.

You have faith too, and good luck when graduation rolls around! I'll be graduating from high school (is that what you're doing?)...hopefully too much food won't be involved.