Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Bleh. I feel awful. Right now, if I had to choose between looking at my thighs or stabbing myself in the eye with a meat cleaver, I would choose the latter. Yesterday I consumed about 900 calories, today I've had 580. I'm planning on not eating again today, so fingers crossed. I have to work today, though, so I don't know exactly how that'll go now that I'm restricting again.
I work at a nice restaurant, so I'm sure seeing food everywhere will be fun. I'm a hostess, so it's not like I'm handling food, but still. I hate my job. I'm just not suited to customer service. I'm socially retarded and I fail at being friendly. My personality is the critical, observer type -- not the participator type. Blah, whatevs. I have car insurance to pay for, and I've been thinking about saving up money to get an apartment.
Still living with my parents sucks. I'm only 19, so it's not a big deal, but I still would like to get eff out of here. Getting more independence and all that. Getting away from drama. I just want to be sure that when I do move out, I can afford to. I think it's stupid how some people get apartments but have their parents pay the rent. It's like, way to be a selfish asshole. You're just as dependent as you were before, so why don't you just save your parents the money and live at home? Bleh, one of the many reasons I dislike my brother and my mother's fiance's kids.
Yeah. Found my thinspo folders. May update them later.
Monday, May 31, 2010
But I'm putting a stop to it now. I hate the weight I'm at now. But it's conquerable. I did it once, and I can do it again.
Because, of course, all I want is to be skinny enough to run in slow motion off into the sunset. Lol...
Changed the name of the blog from "Having Your Cake and Eating it Too (not)" because I think it's a little lame now...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
So tired. Not feeling sociable. To anyone I follow and/or follows me: I'm always reading, but I don't feel like commenting lately. I empathize with you all. <3
(P.S.: For anyone who feels like answering, what do you think is "elegance"?)
Monday, May 18, 2009
I may go to the really great health/organic grocery store we have here tomorrow. Suggestions, anyone? I think I'll get a few Kombucha, but I dunno what else. I'll take one to the bookstore and read all day there. I think that would be helpful, since I wouldn't be right next to a pantry full of food. I would actually have to pay to eat, and I absolutely HATE spending money. Hate hate hate.
Summer Challenge 2009 Question #2:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?
1. The biggest thing is that I've noticed that I actually have a problem with control. I mean, I sort of knew that I had some OCD behavior problems, but I never really thought about them until I started restricting. I keep remembering strange habits I used to have, or still have, and I've noticed they all sprout from a need to feel empowered/in control.
2. I have a sudden new interest in cooking shows. I like Iron Chef, because it's all, like, "Rawr, look at us manly men chefs cookin' up some fancy pantsy meals. Imma beat you, dammit! Beat you down like I be beatin' dese har eggs for my souffle!" Or something. And I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Manly-man ginger cooking man. (I'm really tired right now, btw.)
3. I've noticed that I feel really insecure and uncomfortable when my clothes don't fit. I hate having to adjust my pants when they're falling all over the place. I just feel miserable. For me, it doesn't really even matter that I'm smaller when my clothes don't fit right. I just feel like a complete slob when my clothes are too big.
(Long blah blah here below that you don't really have to read..)
Yeah. Also, I've seen that, on PrettyWreck's poll right asking what people want the most -- most want to have thinner legs, hipbones, etc. It reminded me of a post I read on a CSP (dermatillomania) forum; someone had posted asking if anyone there suffered from an ED as well as CSP. There was one reply that saying they could definitely see how there could be a common thread in the two, because they're both often an effort by the person to desexualize themselves. I think this is pretty true for ED sufferers, especially the full-blown anorexics/bulimics who don't care about their lost period and obsess about thinner thighs and hips. The whole Freudian thing of your subconscious (or is it the superego? I forget) causing you to punish yourself/lash out at yourself for your discomfort with your body/sexuality/etc. I've noticed that a good majority of thinspo is of the legs/thigh/hip area (area of body associated with fertility)... Hmm. I could maybe better explain what I'm trying to say if I was better acquainted with Freud, but w/e... Just thinking aloud here, really.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz. Still expecting that I may gain back, so I'm not gonna say I've met my first goal just yet, but, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz.
Not much to say. Been busy with graduating nonsense, and I still have to pack (like now, lol) for my move out of my mom's place. I'm reading even when I'm not commenting, just so you guys know. xoxo
Also, in other news, if you are even the teensiest bit of a fashion nerd like me, you've noticed that a new sillhouette is being toyed with lately: the harem/ali baba/mc hammer pant. And. I have to confess, I like them! I want a pair, but not anything too expensive, because it's a trend and a pair wouldn't exactly be an investment piece. Haha, I bet you think I'm a tool.
Like anyone else, there are days I feel beautiful and days I don't, and when I don't, I do something about it. -- Cheryl Tiegs
The ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility. What we believe is beautiful we will not wantonly destroy. -- Reverend Sean Parker Dennison
Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success. -- Dale Carnegie
I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. -- Leonardo da Vinci
Thursday, May 14, 2009
YES. Success! It's only 1/2 a pound, but damn it feels good. Probably water weight/gonna gain it back, but it feels so so so wonderful for now. Pretty much makes up for shopping with my mother yesterday -- freaking nightmare and terrible, terrible idea that I will never repeat. I'm going to be marvelous tonight at my banquet.
Sending good vibes to all of you out there. <3