Terrible.

WARNING: This post contains potentially craving triggering words. Just warning.


This post is meant to show me how terribly I've eaten today. It's to remind me of all the parts of the insane amount of food I've consumed. I am to look at this whenever I have a binging mood; if I see this, maybe I'll feel such horror at the idea of eating like a pig that I'll tell food to fuck off.

I live in the South. And, the South has amazing comfort foods. AMAZING. For Mother's Day, we went to this family-style restaurant where they bring out platters of food that everyone helps themselves from. And this place had the all of those amazing comfort foods.

This is all of what I had: fried chicken, fried okra (tons of fried okra), creamed corn, carrot souffle, mashed potatoes, cornbread, cornbread salad, soup beans with ham, collard greens with vinegar, green beans with ham, steak and gravy, and rhubarb cobbler with ice cream.

Ugh ugh ugh.

I guess I was wrong.

I did, in fact, need you, oreos. 13. 13! I'm so ashamed. All spread out through the day. And that's not all. Today was a major carb binge day. Approx. 1560 cals.

I worked out like crazy, though. Lunges, squatz, leg lifts, crunches, and an hour and a half on the exercise bike. So that, including my "lifestyle," still gave me a calorie deficit of 1715 (according to FitDay, the website I use for calorie counting and weight tracking). But I'm sure my BMR is so screwed now that the deficit is much lower. Argh...

I read an article earlier that said that women who eat less than 1200 calories a day can slow down their metabolisms up to 45%. 45! And, according to various calculators and things that I've done, I should be eating about 1500-1200 calories a day. But I usually stay within the 300-1000 range, with the occasional day like today with 1500-1700.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to start a juice fast and another part of me wants to eat "normally" for a few days to boost my metabolism. But. Next week I have important meals to think about. My senior banquet, my lunch before graduation, and the dinner after graduation. I'm afraid that if I start eating "normally" for a few days, and then have those meals at the end, I'll completely loose control.

I think this is what I'll do: "fast" as much as I can. I.e. skip as many meals as possible, but if there's an occasion when I can't avoid it, I won't sweat it if I have to eat the fish or the chicken or w/e. I'm not going to sacrifice those special meals. The formalized meal is a special ritual that humans are intrinsically attatched to. We celebrate with meals, we mourn with meals, we express love with meals. Knowing the right time to indulge with a meal is key, though. Anyway, after graduation, I'll eat "normally" for 2-3 days for a metabolism boost, then go from there.

Dear self: you want to be fabulous in your banquet dress and your graduation dress. You also will NOT eat any more oreos.

I don't even have an excuse.

Weighed in at 107.5 this morning.

Binged today. 1651 cals. That's 151 over what is reccomended for a normal person my height. I don't even have the words for how terrible I feel. What the hell am I doing? I gain a pound and decide that it's a good time to eat like a hog? Ugh. I would limit myself to only juice tomorrow, but I have to drive for three hours, so I may just eat something before I leave.

Have some thinspo.