“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.” -- Greta Garbo

Thursday, April 30, 2009

I don't even have an excuse.

Weighed in at 107.5 this morning.

Binged today. 1651 cals. That's 151 over what is reccomended for a normal person my height. I don't even have the words for how terrible I feel. What the hell am I doing? I gain a pound and decide that it's a good time to eat like a hog? Ugh. I would limit myself to only juice tomorrow, but I have to drive for three hours, so I may just eat something before I leave.

Have some thinspo.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009


Note: I meant to post this last night, but people came into the room where our computer is and wouldn't leave.

Aha. This is Allison, from this season of ANTM right now. Like, wtf, rite? Ahaha..

Anyway. Yesterday I did well; had about 298 cals. Today I was doing good, too. Had a grapefruit, fiber bar, and half a sandwhich (375 total), but then I came home. And my mom was all like, we're going to go eat with your brother. And he picked out the restaurant.

Now, my mom's already found some of my thrown out food and has commented on what I eat lately. So I didn't want to ring the alarms anymore than neccessary. So I went instead of trying to bail out.

We go to a really great Chinese restaurant; like, ACTUAL Chinese food. Not the crappy knockoff "food" that you get at buffets and whatnot. So, I order the spicy chili fish and completely expect it to be sauteed, like it said on the menu. It comes out battered and fried. The hell. I also had appetizers. Crab ragoon and these sticky rice wrap things. But my fish. It. Was. Freaking. DELISH. It was SO SO SO spicy. Like, it had my brother sweating when he tried it, it was that spicy. And he isn't a pansy when it comes to food. I hadn't had something spicy in forever. I love spicy foods, but they're usually too high-cal, high-fat, etc. Oh man it was good. And. I hate to say it, but I don't feel too bad about it. I probably will in the morning when I get on the scale, though.

But the whole dinner was depressing and embarrasing. My mom's boyfriend confused the crap out of the poor waiters when he brought in his business partners to do some contract signing at the next table. That was completely rude. I mean, we come to eat with my brother and he just decides that that is a good time to do business. Like, wth. Then, he puts sweet & low in his hot tea (Sweet & Low. In hot jamine tea. In a nice tea set.) and gets up and leans into the kitchen to bug the waitress about the empty teapot.

And my brother was as high as a kite. I could tell he'd been smoking a ton of weed before he came, because he was seriously hungry and his eyes were bloodshot. I think he must have taken something else too, because he was all crabby and ticked off. He's such a failure. He's in his mid-twenties now, and he's never had a real job, and he only has his GED. He's not a retard or anything, but he's too lazy to do anything but play video games and work at a restaurant.

Anyway. I have to decide what to do about food now. I probably ate over 1000 calories today. I may try to redo today and get back on track with the 3579.

Monday, April 27, 2009


Okay. I weighed in at 106.5 this morning. Didn't expect to be back down to that, but I'm relieved anyway.

But I felt guilty that I was so relieved just because the scale told me I hadn't gained. I still ate terribly this weeked, no matter what that sneaky bitch wants to say. So I started thinking about why I was freaking so much and letting myself go this weekend, and I believe it's because I lost control. I was no longer the chief preparer of what I ate, so I totally blew an emotional gasket, which also caused me to eat more. Usually, I make my food or I eat alone, so I can control what I eat. Over the weekend, I had to eat in front of other people and keep up appearances. Not that I've never done that, but at my mom's we usually don't ever eat together because she works late. So I need to refine my eating-in-front-of-others-jujitsu.

Omg, anas are totes ninjas. Lyk, for reals, yo. We be concealing our foodz lyk magics an' be slicin' up those fatty-fat thighs and bums w/ our katanas of RESTRICTION.

Okay. Enough silliness. I'm completely stoked to get down to business now. I'm doing the 2468 thing again, but as a 3579 cycle. I did the 2 before on a weekend, so I was fine, but I don't think I can last through school with only 200. Also, I'm going to work out more. I'm getting skinnyfat. My clavicle, ribs, and spine are pretty prominent, but my stomach is a little flabby and my thighs are still very flabby. So, exercise bike, prepare yourself! I'mma gunna pull a freakin' John Wayne on you!

Chanel! Man, if I had a ton of money to blow, I would totally do it if the ton of money would buy me lots and lots of Chanel. (there's a joke there. It's really SUBTLE. Hurr.)

I loved the SS09 campaign with Heidi Mount. I have this pic on my wall.

Back of Karl Lagerfield's head. Karl's pretty thinspirational himself. He used to be quite pudgy. I'm toying with the idea of getting his diet book, because I've heard that he's quite frank in it. Like, buy less food and more fabulous clothes! But meaner. >:K

Reverse thinspo for skinny-love, <3.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

I feel omghueg

Binged terribly this weekend. Last night I had two pieces of pepperoni and mushroom pizza w/ thin crust. Then we got movies and candy. Ate a crapload of candy. Ate more candy this morning and afternoon. Had a pot roast, potatoes, and carrots for lunch. I haven't bothered tallying up all the calories because I know they'll be horrendous. I'm not looking forward to the scale tomorrow morning. I still have a three hour drive ahead of me today.

I was job hunting all weekend, which made me anxious. I'm always nervous about these types of things. Like how I appear to people, am I filling the forms out right, am I coming off like a dick/nerd/pathetic/etc. etc. People in general make me uneasy. Blegh.

Friday, April 24, 2009

In Limbo


Ugh ugh ugh. I'm slowly gaining. I'm terrified I'll go back over 110. Ate terribly today. Breakfast was good, b/c breakfast is always the meal I do best. Lunch was bad - most of a sandwich. Granted, it had a lot of veggies, but I shouldn't have eaten more than half of it. Dinner was terrible. Mexican. Spicy chicken, rice, refried beans, a tortilla. Today's total is an estimated 751. But it feels like I went over 1000; I feel so full and gross.

A lot of my drive is gone. I can't decide on a plan of action, and I'm worrying about other things. I'm tired from a 3-hour drive and I just want to sleep sleep sleep sleep. But I can't because I just ate. I'm at my dad's so I won't be able to weigh myself again until Sunday evening, but I'll wait until Monday morning. I usually do measuring on Saturdays, but I forgot my measuring tape and after the last few days, I'm too scared to measure anyway.

Eating here is going to be tricky, but I'll manage somehow. I have to stay strong. Those thighs aren't going to shrink themselves.

Cute Post

Because I can.

Thursday, April 23, 2009



Mixed feelings about today. Back up to 107, but that's not a drastic gain. Did well for breakfast, didn't eat lunch b/c I didn't have time, but then BAM. My mom wants to go out for dinner. She wanted to go have hibachi, and I didn't want to say no because I think she's getting suspicious. So I order the shrimp with every intention of only eating a couple of shrimp, some of the zuchinni, carrots, broccoli, and mushrooms. And I end up eating ALL of the shrimp, zuchinni, carrots, broccoli, and mushrooms. I even eat half of my mom's carrots AND several bites of rice AND some of the shrimp sauce. Ugh, I felt awful and bloated after eating all of that. I still feel terrible. I tried to calculate everthing (I had to guess a lot, because I lost count after a while, which is terrible) and it came to 572 cals. That's including breakfast, which was 222. I don't think that right, because it feels like I ate a million pounds of food.

But. I'm not going to let it get me down. Because of these things:
1. The jeans I could barely squeeze into a few months ago are now a little loose on me, and my regular jeans are baggy.
2. The other day in the shower, I could feel my spine.
3. My clavicle is pretty prominent.
4. Best of all, there's a gap between my thighs!

Typing those things make me feel a lot better. Anyone else feeling crappy should try it, too.

Lately, I've started a food stash. Granola, ceral bars, potato chips, rice cakes. I don't even eat anything but the cereal bars and the rice cakes, but I don't want anyone else to eat the others. So I keep them hidden. Irrational, much?

Does anyone visit This is Why You're Thin! or This is Why You're Fat (click at your peril). The fat one is full of the most disgusting food combinations - a lot of hamburger, cheese, hotdogs, frying, etc, etc. Totally kills my appetite. But there might be stuff there that could trigger other people's appetites, so click at your peril! The thin one has the complete opposite. Lots of healthy, veggie-licious foods that are almost pornographic. Num.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

1000 Day

No weight change.

That doesn't make me anxious, because at least I'm not gaining, but I'm stressing a little about other things. For graduation, my mom mentioned wanting to go to Ruth's Chris (a really nice and expensive steakhouse) after the ceremony. I'm worried that I'll get there and won't find anything that's safe to eat or if I do I'll only eat a little bit which will come off as ungrateful (a meal for one person there is like $30 and upwards). And what if they get dessert (oh god)? Last time I went I had the swordfish, so there'll probably be something that's fine. I'm also worried about my senior class banquet; I have absolutely no clue what they'll be serving and I don't want everyone at my table to notice me eating only three bites or something. Ugghh. I'll just have to do well for these next couple of weeks to be able to "afford" those two meals.

I'm also worried about my family's plans for the after-graduation dinner. My mom wants to have dinner with her boyfriend and my father's family (the step-mother, step-siblings, grandparents, etc.), but the very idea horrifies me. My mother and father never talk to each other, and it would just be too much drama. I don't even want my mom's boyfriend to go to my graduation. I absolutely despise him. Absolutely. He's the reason I'm going to go live with my dad this summer. Ugh. And my brother will be coming to my graduation. He's the reason why I'm a perfectionist and cannot allow myself to fail, ever. Because his life is one huge failure.

I also had a major pity-party looking at my body in the mirror today. Ugh. I don't even want to start. And I've been lapsing back into my skin-picking. I'm trying to stop, and I tell myself that what I'm doing is screwing my face up, but I just keep going at it. And, not to brag, but I would have really really nice skin if I would leave it alone! B/c I'm half-asian and neither my father or my mother really ever had bad skin problems.

End of venting. Well. I've been exercising. Spent half an hour on the exercise bike and have been doing crunches, lunges, squats, and leg lifts lately.

1 banana
2 oranges
1 Special K bar
other half of the turkey sandwhich from yesterday
1 dried fig
1 Mini Babybel Light
9 mini cheddar rice cakes
Total: 980

Tomorrow's 500.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

800 Day


Not much change since yesterday, but that's okay. Of course, I'm really guesstimating, because I don't have an electric scale.

Graarrrgh. Today was frustrating. I had a group presentation today, and two people in my group didn't have their shit together and did their measley little assignments completely wrong. So I was running around all morning trying to fix things. Even then, I'm sure we had points docked because of one person was talking completely off-point. Add to that my intestines giving me the most painful trouble all day, and I was not happy.

I have a lot of digestive problems, and a family history of digestive problems (on both my parents' sides). I don't want to start taking laxatives, because I know they can just wreck your body. I've thought about doing a cleanse, but I don't want to do anything exteme like the saltwater one. I might start doing fiber supplements. Fiber supplements at my age is a little sad though. (I'm 18.)

I'm craving bananas lately. But I can't have one because I already hit my limit for today. Ho'hum. I'll have a huge one for breakfast. I think there must be something Freudian about craving bananas. (HURR DURR) Tbh, there are a lot of things I want to eat. But I can't think about them! No matter what, because if I do, I'll just start obsessing, and the obsession will just snowball disproportionately... Any-who.

1/2 a banana
1 orange
1 Fiber One bar
1/2 a turkey on foccacia sandwich from Panera
1 Mini Babybel Light Swiss
Total: 792

Iekeliene Stange! I love love love her. My current fave model. Her face is so lovely.