“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.” -- Greta Garbo

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

elegance: rich, poor, sexual and not

So tired. Not feeling sociable. To anyone I follow and/or follows me: I'm always reading, but I don't feel like commenting lately. I empathize with you all. <3

(P.S.: For anyone who feels like answering, what do you think is "elegance"?)

Monday, May 18, 2009

drink yo' corn liquor, let the co-cayyyne be

Moved into my dad's. Not sure how happy I am about this. On one hand, nobody thinks much of it if I don't want to eat a lot (my mother flips the eff out), but on the other hand, there's a lot of temptations here. My mom's poor, so we don't really just buy whatever at the grocery store. But here, with my dad and stepmom, they just buy whatever and don't think anything of it. So that means cakes, chips, and little debbies and whatnot are plentiful. I thought it wouldn't be so bad since my stepmom was doing the weight watchers thing, but she fell off the wagon at some point and now buys ice cream all the time. Too miserable about what I ate today to talk about it. Thought I would be fine with my venti iced americano from starbucks until dinner, but not so! Arghljkdha;oiusdfh, I'm getting my period so I'm all bloated and tired as all get out...

I may go to the really great health/organic grocery store we have here tomorrow. Suggestions, anyone? I think I'll get a few Kombucha, but I dunno what else. I'll take one to the bookstore and read all day there. I think that would be helpful, since I wouldn't be right next to a pantry full of food. I would actually have to pay to eat, and I absolutely HATE spending money. Hate hate hate.

Summer Challenge 2009 Question #2:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?
1. The biggest thing is that I've noticed that I actually have a problem with control. I mean, I sort of knew that I had some OCD behavior problems, but I never really thought about them until I started restricting. I keep remembering strange habits I used to have, or still have, and I've noticed they all sprout from a need to feel empowered/in control.

2. I have a sudden new interest in cooking shows. I like Iron Chef, because it's all, like, "Rawr, look at us manly men chefs cookin' up some fancy pantsy meals. Imma beat you, dammit! Beat you down like I be beatin' dese har eggs for my souffle!" Or something. And I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Manly-man ginger cooking man. (I'm really tired right now, btw.)

3. I've noticed that I feel really insecure and uncomfortable when my clothes don't fit. I hate having to adjust my pants when they're falling all over the place. I just feel miserable. For me, it doesn't really even matter that I'm smaller when my clothes don't fit right. I just feel like a complete slob when my clothes are too big.

(Long blah blah here below that you don't really have to read..)
Yeah. Also, I've seen that, on PrettyWreck's poll right asking what people want the most -- most want to have thinner legs, hipbones, etc. It reminded me of a post I read on a CSP (dermatillomania) forum; someone had posted asking if anyone there suffered from an ED as well as CSP. There was one reply that saying they could definitely see how there could be a common thread in the two, because they're both often an effort by the person to desexualize themselves. I think this is pretty true for ED sufferers, especially the full-blown anorexics/bulimics who don't care about their lost period and obsess about thinner thighs and hips. The whole Freudian thing of your subconscious (or is it the superego? I forget) causing you to punish yourself/lash out at yourself for your discomfort with your body/sexuality/etc. I've noticed that a good majority of thinspo is of the legs/thigh/hip area (area of body associated with fertility)... Hmm. I could maybe better explain what I'm trying to say if I was better acquainted with Freud, but w/e... Just thinking aloud here, really.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Why should I wait/ This ice and snow is gonna melt away

Ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz. Still expecting that I may gain back, so I'm not gonna say I've met my first goal just yet, but, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz.

Not much to say. Been busy with graduating nonsense, and I still have to pack (like now, lol) for my move out of my mom's place. I'm reading even when I'm not commenting, just so you guys know. xoxo

Also, in other news, if you are even the teensiest bit of a fashion nerd like me, you've noticed that a new sillhouette is being toyed with lately: the harem/ali baba/mc hammer pant. And. I have to confess, I like them! I want a pair, but not anything too expensive, because it's a trend and a pair wouldn't exactly be an investment piece. Haha, I bet you think I'm a tool.

Like anyone else, there are days I feel beautiful and days I don't, and when I don't, I do something about it. -- Cheryl Tiegs

The ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility. What we believe is beautiful we will not wantonly destroy. -- Reverend Sean Parker Dennison

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success. -- Dale Carnegie

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. -- Leonardo da Vinci

Thursday, May 14, 2009

living can be good

Scale read 105.5 this morning.
YES. Success! It's only 1/2 a pound, but damn it feels good. Probably water weight/gonna gain it back, but it feels so so so wonderful for now. Pretty much makes up for shopping with my mother yesterday -- freaking nightmare and terrible, terrible idea that I will never repeat. I'm going to be marvelous tonight at my banquet.

Sending good vibes to all of you out there. <3

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


What exactly is it about mothers? What is it that makes us so insanely aggravated by them, or what is it that compulses them to get on our last nerves?

This happened a few days ago. My mom had a friend over when I came home from school. The friend commented on how skinny I looked (which is like, yeah but not enough..) and my mom is all like "Because she refuses to eat." And the friend is all, "What!" And I'm all, "No, I eat, I just don't eat like you, you pig." I didn't actually say that. But I wish I had; it's true. And dammit, don't go around talking about me like that to other people. She has no sense of discretion at all.

I came home this weeked and my mom had bought a whole freaking cake for herself. Over half of it was already eaten, even though I had only been gone for two days. And last night, she bought this box of chocolate Chex Mix bar thingies and when I came home, they were all freaking gone. And then, she has the nerve to complain about getting fat. Goddamit I hate her.

I don't really hate her; I hate dealing with her. I don't actually care enough to really hate/love her. I dunno, I just don't have anything in common with her. I'm sort of intelligent, analytical, conservative, and have no patience whatsoever for being emotional, sentimental, etc. etc. She's really dumb (people say their mothers are dumb, but mine ACTUALLY is; I'm really not exaggerating), completely driven by her urges and emotions, and easily buys into crap like Oprah, Dr. Phil, and NBC news. She's the perfect example of the type of person I simply can't deal with, because their manner of thinking is so alien and bizarre to me.

Btw, is anyone a coffee guru? I've started drinking coffee, and so far have only done iced lattees with nonfat milk and iced americanos. Just using medium roast Folgers. How do you do your coffee? I'll have access to a ginder over the summer, so I may experiment with that.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Summer Challenge 2009

(original post here)

Age: 18
Current Weight: 106
Goal Weight Loss: 100 (6 lbs)
Personal Goal: To read at least two books a month. Serious reading. I've always been a reader, but lately I've been lax about really digging into a book with depth. The books I plan to read may mostly be various nonfiction (philosophy, anthropology, history..) and I'll be taking notes. Any fiction I read that has no depth will not count as one of the two books. (Btw, I find reading to be a great distractor from hunger..) I may post some thoughts/reviews of the books, although it's doubtful that anyone is interested in my nerdiness.
Biggest Challenges: Staying on track. I tend to loose focus and, as a consequence, start to fall into a tailspin of failure. Or sit on my laurels and think that I'm safe. Also, I'm at a point where it's not easy to lose weight; it's a struggle to get rid of a single pound.

I'll post a pic when I find my camera... Um. Yeah.

Question For Week #1


Instead of gold, he gives you a choice.

You can either:

A) Be forever the weight of your dreams, and never have to worry about gaining a pound.


B) Be the richest person in the world, and your money will never run out

A. I don't believe in getting rich quick. You know all those lottery winners who end up ruining their lives because all they do is buy mansions and Porshes? And all those trust fund babies who are the hugest bro-fag/spoiled-princess dicks? They're like that because they don't know the value of a dollar. And yeah, that sounds like your crotchety old great-grandfather, because our crotchety old great-grandfathers knew something about earning what you own. They didn't have credit cards or even checks like we do today. They didn't try to live beyond their means.

Of course, I suppose A is also a quick-fix option. But, I see it like this: plenty of people are thin without trying just because of genetics, but they still value it. So, yeah. Lol, serious tyme up in this bitch, amorite? lol

(P.S.: I'm kinda Libertarian, but w/o the guns.)


WARNING: This post contains potentially craving triggering words. Just warning.

This post is meant to show me how terribly I've eaten today. It's to remind me of all the parts of the insane amount of food I've consumed. I am to look at this whenever I have a binging mood; if I see this, maybe I'll feel such horror at the idea of eating like a pig that I'll tell food to fuck off.

I live in the South. And, the South has amazing comfort foods. AMAZING. For Mother's Day, we went to this family-style restaurant where they bring out platters of food that everyone helps themselves from. And this place had the all of those amazing comfort foods.

This is all of what I had: fried chicken, fried okra (tons of fried okra), creamed corn, carrot souffle, mashed potatoes, cornbread, cornbread salad, soup beans with ham, collard greens with vinegar, green beans with ham, steak and gravy, and rhubarb cobbler with ice cream.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Friday, May 8, 2009