the warrior falls flat on her face.

Scale said 115.4 this morning. Probably all water weight, so I'm reserving my feelings about it...

I watched a bunch of documentaries today on BBC Amuurica about body image, beauty, etc, etc. One was Super Skinny Me, where two journalists attempt to get into the habits of anorexics. I thought it was interesting how one was dying to "be normal" again during the process while the other one seemed to be really affected by the experiment. The first one admitted from the beginning to have never had a problem with her weight and to even have been model small in her teens. The affected one had had troubles with her weight during puberty while dealing with a boy-dominated boarding school. The affected one went through that familiar cycle - strict restriction with anxiety concerning weight loss/gain, some success, and then binge eating uncontrollably and some purging. Towards the end of the experiment, she seemed almost to be legitimately suffering from an ED when she went to the doctor's and had a mini freakout over them weighing her.

I was really struck with the differences between the journalist's backgrounds. And it seems like it's always something lurking behind the turmoil of restricting and such. Like, the one who had never been particularly bothered with her body image was participating in the experiment from a feminist point of view -- being critical of the media that creates ED girls. The other was participating to be similiarly socially critical, but also to be involved genuinely because of her weight problems in adolescence.

Well. In other news, I feel tired as hell from lack of food. But I did some stair running and tried out some yoga. It was the "warrior" routine, and I'm sure I looked like an idiot. I couldn't do the hardest bit right - balancing on one leg with a hand on the ground to hold weight - and fell over a bunch. Lol. Doing the buddha poses feels silly, too.

meh

117.

Bleh. I feel awful. Right now, if I had to choose between looking at my thighs or stabbing myself in the eye with a meat cleaver, I would choose the latter. Yesterday I consumed about 900 calories, today I've had 580. I'm planning on not eating again today, so fingers crossed. I have to work today, though, so I don't know exactly how that'll go now that I'm restricting again.

I work at a nice restaurant, so I'm sure seeing food everywhere will be fun. I'm a hostess, so it's not like I'm handling food, but still. I hate my job. I'm just not suited to customer service. I'm socially retarded and I fail at being friendly. My personality is the critical, observer type -- not the participator type. Blah, whatevs. I have car insurance to pay for, and I've been thinking about saving up money to get an apartment.

Still living with my parents sucks. I'm only 19, so it's not a big deal, but I still would like to get eff out of here. Getting more independence and all that. Getting away from drama. I just want to be sure that when I do move out, I can afford to. I think it's stupid how some people get apartments but have their parents pay the rent. It's like, way to be a selfish asshole. You're just as dependent as you were before, so why don't you just save your parents the money and live at home? Bleh, one of the many reasons I dislike my brother and my mother's fiance's kids.

Yeah. Found my thinspo folders. May update them later.

Hello again.

It's been a year since I've posted here. So much has happened. I started college and started to like myself more. Everyone (me included) swears that they'll never gain that freshmen fifteen, but I did. I fell off the wagon and gained so much it's embarrassing. College was stressful and hard work and I completely let myself go, eating whatever I wanted. My degree is especially hard because you hit the ground running right from freshmen year. I can't even count how many all nighters I pulled these past two semesters. So I slowly gained and gained.

But I'm putting a stop to it now. I hate the weight I'm at now. But it's conquerable. I did it once, and I can do it again.



Because, of course, all I want is to be skinny enough to run in slow motion off into the sunset. Lol...

Changed the name of the blog from "Having Your Cake and Eating it Too (not)" because I think it's a little lame now...