“There are many things in your heart you can never tell to another person. They are you, your private joys and sorrows, and you can never tell them. You cheapen yourself, the inside of yourself, when you tell them.” -- Greta Garbo

Monday, May 18, 2009

drink yo' corn liquor, let the co-cayyyne be

Moved into my dad's. Not sure how happy I am about this. On one hand, nobody thinks much of it if I don't want to eat a lot (my mother flips the eff out), but on the other hand, there's a lot of temptations here. My mom's poor, so we don't really just buy whatever at the grocery store. But here, with my dad and stepmom, they just buy whatever and don't think anything of it. So that means cakes, chips, and little debbies and whatnot are plentiful. I thought it wouldn't be so bad since my stepmom was doing the weight watchers thing, but she fell off the wagon at some point and now buys ice cream all the time. Too miserable about what I ate today to talk about it. Thought I would be fine with my venti iced americano from starbucks until dinner, but not so! Arghljkdha;oiusdfh, I'm getting my period so I'm all bloated and tired as all get out...

I may go to the really great health/organic grocery store we have here tomorrow. Suggestions, anyone? I think I'll get a few Kombucha, but I dunno what else. I'll take one to the bookstore and read all day there. I think that would be helpful, since I wouldn't be right next to a pantry full of food. I would actually have to pay to eat, and I absolutely HATE spending money. Hate hate hate.

Summer Challenge 2009 Question #2:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?
1. The biggest thing is that I've noticed that I actually have a problem with control. I mean, I sort of knew that I had some OCD behavior problems, but I never really thought about them until I started restricting. I keep remembering strange habits I used to have, or still have, and I've noticed they all sprout from a need to feel empowered/in control.

2. I have a sudden new interest in cooking shows. I like Iron Chef, because it's all, like, "Rawr, look at us manly men chefs cookin' up some fancy pantsy meals. Imma beat you, dammit! Beat you down like I be beatin' dese har eggs for my souffle!" Or something. And I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Manly-man ginger cooking man. (I'm really tired right now, btw.)

3. I've noticed that I feel really insecure and uncomfortable when my clothes don't fit. I hate having to adjust my pants when they're falling all over the place. I just feel miserable. For me, it doesn't really even matter that I'm smaller when my clothes don't fit right. I just feel like a complete slob when my clothes are too big.

(Long blah blah here below that you don't really have to read..)
Yeah. Also, I've seen that, on PrettyWreck's poll right asking what people want the most -- most want to have thinner legs, hipbones, etc. It reminded me of a post I read on a CSP (dermatillomania) forum; someone had posted asking if anyone there suffered from an ED as well as CSP. There was one reply that saying they could definitely see how there could be a common thread in the two, because they're both often an effort by the person to desexualize themselves. I think this is pretty true for ED sufferers, especially the full-blown anorexics/bulimics who don't care about their lost period and obsess about thinner thighs and hips. The whole Freudian thing of your subconscious (or is it the superego? I forget) causing you to punish yourself/lash out at yourself for your discomfort with your body/sexuality/etc. I've noticed that a good majority of thinspo is of the legs/thigh/hip area (area of body associated with fertility)... Hmm. I could maybe better explain what I'm trying to say if I was better acquainted with Freud, but w/e... Just thinking aloud here, really.


TryingShadow said...

Your answer to this weeks SC question are pretty much spot on to mine. Gah! Gonna have to think harderrr..

Your heading to this post makes me laugh xx

MissBrightside said...

interesting theory!

skinny love said...

Your thoughts make sense! I suppose ed's are a way of desexualizing ourselves...

Although I really, truly don't want a skinny-boy-shaped body. But that's the price I pay for just wanting to be thin. And I do want to have children someday...

But I'd MUCH rather just be skin than fat as well.

Speaking of cooking shows, have you ever seen Anthony Bourdain or Take Home Chef? I love those, (and I saw the Take Home Chef guy in Santa Fe, New Mexico!!) lol. I think the travelling cooking shows are my favorite.

Let's suffer our period together, shall we? ;D

SkinnyBitch said...

I very much agree with you about the "desexualizing" thing. It's something I've thought about before. I like the androgynous look possibly because it makes me feel neutral? Like I can be anything I want instead of what is limited by my gender. I don't know...there's too much to really even try to discuss

Hanz said...

Totally relate on the cooking show and clothes thing. Cooking shows are good cos you can stare at the food and no one notices, but also the food isn't real so you can't actually eat it by accident.