I'm going to sound like a whiny bitch, but...

This post is mostly me being a little whiny... fyi.

I started the day yesterday with (horror!) a chocolate chip pancake. I really, really didn't want to eat it, but my stepmom made them. And we used to have them all the time, so it was a family "thing." I didn't want to be rude, so I had a small one (140ish cals). I would have C&S'ed it, but we were out of napkins...

I didn't have anything else until dinner b/c I went out shopping for the upcoming banquet and graduation. And that was a miserable experience.

When I started restricting I was a size 4. Now, my 4s are all too baggy on me, so I'm down to a 2. And I'm really pleased with this! For reals, I love the fact that I can pick out a size 2 pair of pants or an extra-small sweater and fit them like a glove. But shopping yesterday was terrible because I spent about eight hours trying to find size 2's in anything decent. I would spot really cute sweaters or dresses but it wouldn't be in my size. I tried looking for a pair of jeans, for instance. I probably looked through hundreds of CK jeans at the department store, but I couldn't find a single 2x30 skinny jean. I would have settled for a lean bootcut, but they didn't even have those.

The looking for, and failing to find, a pair of CK jeans really upset me. Which may seem stupid. But, my CK jeans have been my favorites for the past two years, and not being able to feel fabulous in them anymore because I'm always pulling them up gets to me. I really felt like crying after going through all those jeans yesterday... I felt guilty because. I don't know really, maybe the fact that what I'm doing right now isn't exactly "right" or I'm crazy for doing these things. Like I'm being punished for being a neurotic food-restricter by not being allowed to find clothes...

And yesterday, I was browsing through one of my favorite fashion blogs. It's written by this woman who's a size 12/14, but she's got such great taste in clothes that her size is really irrelevant. Anyway, she made a post talking about how she's glad that there all these higher-end designers doing affordable lines that also cater to the larger woman (which I'm glad about, too!). But she went on to criticize the catering to the size 4 and under. Which made me feel guilty all over again. Like, stop picking on the smaller sizes, goddamit. I don't make other people feel terrible for being size 12/14/16/whatever. So why is it okay to make the size 4/2/0/etc. to feel bad about their bodies?

Sorry, I don't want to come off as being an ass, but I really needed to get this out of my system..