THAT Profile

I like interesting, strong profiles. Not just on models, but on anyone. There's something about a profile, as opposed to a direct frontal view, that has a more subtle, yet more stark beauty. I like seeing the type of person who can have an amazing profile, but a so-so frontal, and vise-versa.

Well, anyway. Weight was the same. Total intake today: 400-450 cal.

I have a question for anyone in the know: Recently, I've been doing a lot of C&S'ing. I read somewhere that even if you don't swallow, you're absorbing calories somehow through the mouth. Is this true? If so, what's the percent absorbed?

I'm doing well getting it all spit out before I swallow as a reflex. The trick, for me, is to not chew the food completely. I'm so used to now chewing my food until it's liquefied (sp?) that I can pull a fast one on my mouth by spitting out. And my mouth is all like, "WTF BIOTCH. THAT OREO WAS REALLY TASTY." ;-;

My mom bought a huge thing of oreos. ::sob:: At least there's no milk or peanut butter in the house. I would be seriously screwed otherwise. Unscrew the oreo + a touch of peanut butter in the middle + reconstructing the pumped oreo + dunking it half (half!! for optimum mixture of soggy + crunchy) = FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUU- delish!

Sorry if that made you crave oreos. Writing about it was a nice release...

I don't even have an excuse.

Weighed in at 107.5 this morning.

Binged today. 1651 cals. That's 151 over what is reccomended for a normal person my height. I don't even have the words for how terrible I feel. What the hell am I doing? I gain a pound and decide that it's a good time to eat like a hog? Ugh. I would limit myself to only juice tomorrow, but I have to drive for three hours, so I may just eat something before I leave.

Have some thinspo.

LET'S DO THIS.

Okay. I weighed in at 106.5 this morning. Didn't expect to be back down to that, but I'm relieved anyway.

But I felt guilty that I was so relieved just because the scale told me I hadn't gained. I still ate terribly this weeked, no matter what that sneaky bitch wants to say. So I started thinking about why I was freaking so much and letting myself go this weekend, and I believe it's because I lost control. I was no longer the chief preparer of what I ate, so I totally blew an emotional gasket, which also caused me to eat more. Usually, I make my food or I eat alone, so I can control what I eat. Over the weekend, I had to eat in front of other people and keep up appearances. Not that I've never done that, but at my mom's we usually don't ever eat together because she works late. So I need to refine my eating-in-front-of-others-jujitsu.

Omg, anas are totes ninjas. Lyk, for reals, yo. We be concealing our foodz lyk magics an' be slicin' up those fatty-fat thighs and bums w/ our katanas of RESTRICTION.

Okay. Enough silliness. I'm completely stoked to get down to business now. I'm doing the 2468 thing again, but as a 3579 cycle. I did the 2 before on a weekend, so I was fine, but I don't think I can last through school with only 200. Also, I'm going to work out more. I'm getting skinnyfat. My clavicle, ribs, and spine are pretty prominent, but my stomach is a little flabby and my thighs are still very flabby. So, exercise bike, prepare yourself! I'mma gunna pull a freakin' John Wayne on you!

Chanel! Man, if I had a ton of money to blow, I would totally do it if the ton of money would buy me lots and lots of Chanel. (there's a joke there. It's really SUBTLE. Hurr.)

I loved the SS09 campaign with Heidi Mount. I have this pic on my wall.

Back of Karl Lagerfield's head. Karl's pretty thinspirational himself. He used to be quite pudgy. I'm toying with the idea of getting his diet book, because I've heard that he's quite frank in it. Like, buy less food and more fabulous clothes! But meaner. >:K

Reverse thinspo for skinny-love, <3.

In Limbo

107.5

Ugh ugh ugh. I'm slowly gaining. I'm terrified I'll go back over 110. Ate terribly today. Breakfast was good, b/c breakfast is always the meal I do best. Lunch was bad - most of a sandwich. Granted, it had a lot of veggies, but I shouldn't have eaten more than half of it. Dinner was terrible. Mexican. Spicy chicken, rice, refried beans, a tortilla. Today's total is an estimated 751. But it feels like I went over 1000; I feel so full and gross.

A lot of my drive is gone. I can't decide on a plan of action, and I'm worrying about other things. I'm tired from a 3-hour drive and I just want to sleep sleep sleep sleep. But I can't because I just ate. I'm at my dad's so I won't be able to weigh myself again until Sunday evening, but I'll wait until Monday morning. I usually do measuring on Saturdays, but I forgot my measuring tape and after the last few days, I'm too scared to measure anyway.

Eating here is going to be tricky, but I'll manage somehow. I have to stay strong. Those thighs aren't going to shrink themselves.

4/23/09

107

Mixed feelings about today. Back up to 107, but that's not a drastic gain. Did well for breakfast, didn't eat lunch b/c I didn't have time, but then BAM. My mom wants to go out for dinner. She wanted to go have hibachi, and I didn't want to say no because I think she's getting suspicious. So I order the shrimp with every intention of only eating a couple of shrimp, some of the zuchinni, carrots, broccoli, and mushrooms. And I end up eating ALL of the shrimp, zuchinni, carrots, broccoli, and mushrooms. I even eat half of my mom's carrots AND several bites of rice AND some of the shrimp sauce. Ugh, I felt awful and bloated after eating all of that. I still feel terrible. I tried to calculate everthing (I had to guess a lot, because I lost count after a while, which is terrible) and it came to 572 cals. That's including breakfast, which was 222. I don't think that right, because it feels like I ate a million pounds of food.

But. I'm not going to let it get me down. Because of these things:
1. The jeans I could barely squeeze into a few months ago are now a little loose on me, and my regular jeans are baggy.
2. The other day in the shower, I could feel my spine.
3. My clavicle is pretty prominent.
4. Best of all, there's a gap between my thighs!

Typing those things make me feel a lot better. Anyone else feeling crappy should try it, too.

Lately, I've started a food stash. Granola, ceral bars, potato chips, rice cakes. I don't even eat anything but the cereal bars and the rice cakes, but I don't want anyone else to eat the others. So I keep them hidden. Irrational, much?

Does anyone visit This is Why You're Thin! or This is Why You're Fat (click at your peril). The fat one is full of the most disgusting food combinations - a lot of hamburger, cheese, hotdogs, frying, etc, etc. Totally kills my appetite. But there might be stuff there that could trigger other people's appetites, so click at your peril! The thin one has the complete opposite. Lots of healthy, veggie-licious foods that are almost pornographic. Num.

1000 Day

No weight change.

That doesn't make me anxious, because at least I'm not gaining, but I'm stressing a little about other things. For graduation, my mom mentioned wanting to go to Ruth's Chris (a really nice and expensive steakhouse) after the ceremony. I'm worried that I'll get there and won't find anything that's safe to eat or if I do I'll only eat a little bit which will come off as ungrateful (a meal for one person there is like $30 and upwards). And what if they get dessert (oh god)? Last time I went I had the swordfish, so there'll probably be something that's fine. I'm also worried about my senior class banquet; I have absolutely no clue what they'll be serving and I don't want everyone at my table to notice me eating only three bites or something. Ugghh. I'll just have to do well for these next couple of weeks to be able to "afford" those two meals.

I'm also worried about my family's plans for the after-graduation dinner. My mom wants to have dinner with her boyfriend and my father's family (the step-mother, step-siblings, grandparents, etc.), but the very idea horrifies me. My mother and father never talk to each other, and it would just be too much drama. I don't even want my mom's boyfriend to go to my graduation. I absolutely despise him. Absolutely. He's the reason I'm going to go live with my dad this summer. Ugh. And my brother will be coming to my graduation. He's the reason why I'm a perfectionist and cannot allow myself to fail, ever. Because his life is one huge failure.

I also had a major pity-party looking at my body in the mirror today. Ugh. I don't even want to start. And I've been lapsing back into my skin-picking. I'm trying to stop, and I tell myself that what I'm doing is screwing my face up, but I just keep going at it. And, not to brag, but I would have really really nice skin if I would leave it alone! B/c I'm half-asian and neither my father or my mother really ever had bad skin problems.

End of venting. Well. I've been exercising. Spent half an hour on the exercise bike and have been doing crunches, lunges, squats, and leg lifts lately.

Today:
1 banana

2 oranges

1 Special K bar

other half of the turkey sandwhich from yesterday

1 dried fig

1 Mini Babybel Light

9 mini cheddar rice cakes

Total: 980

Tomorrow's 500.

800 Day

106.3

Not much change since yesterday, but that's okay. Of course, I'm really guesstimating, because I don't have an electric scale.

Graarrrgh. Today was frustrating. I had a group presentation today, and two people in my group didn't have their shit together and did their measley little assignments completely wrong. So I was running around all morning trying to fix things. Even then, I'm sure we had points docked because of one person was talking completely off-point. Add to that my intestines giving me the most painful trouble all day, and I was not happy.

I have a lot of digestive problems, and a family history of digestive problems (on both my parents' sides). I don't want to start taking laxatives, because I know they can just wreck your body. I've thought about doing a cleanse, but I don't want to do anything exteme like the saltwater one. I might start doing fiber supplements. Fiber supplements at my age is a little sad though. (I'm 18.)

I'm craving bananas lately. But I can't have one because I already hit my limit for today. Ho'hum. I'll have a huge one for breakfast. I think there must be something Freudian about craving bananas. (HURR DURR) Tbh, there are a lot of things I want to eat. But I can't think about them! No matter what, because if I do, I'll just start obsessing, and the obsession will just snowball disproportionately... Any-who.

Today:
1/2 a banana
1 orange
1 Fiber One bar
1/2 a turkey on foccacia sandwich from Panera
1 Mini Babybel Light Swiss
Total: 792

Iekeliene Stange! I love love love her. My current fave model. Her face is so lovely.

600 Day

106.5.

Ho'shiz. 106.5. I don't know if it's a fluke, or just lost water weight, but omg yay :3.

Yesterday my mom went to the oriental store and bought a lot of stuff. She bought, like two milk custard buns and two red bean buns both of which I LOVE love love (my mom's Japanese, btw). I absolutely love Japanese sweets, because they aren't as extremely sugary and sweet as American sweets. But I resisted last night, because I had done my 400 day so well. However, this morning I looked up the calories for the custard bun, and it was 250, so I decided I would treat myself to it for lunch.

I also had a (minor) slip-up at dinner. My mom made a sort of vegetable-meat-egg mixture thing that had goya (bitter melon - it's really REALLY bitter, but it's awesome once you get used to it, b/c 1 cup is 25 calories and it has tons of vitamins) with SPAM. Now, most people I know are all "Omg, SPAM is disgusting!" and all the non-processed food devotees can preach all they want, but SPAM is still freaking delicious. It's the food I grew up with. But it is super high-calorie. So I had a few bites of the SPAM (yes, you have to capitalize the whole thing). But mostly the bitter melon, so it was still under the limit.

Once I reach 105, I'm going to reward myself. At first I thought I would do it with food like a whole (whole!) snickers bar or a package of ferrero rocher, but I dunno. I may buy a dress or something.

Today:

1 grapefruit half w/ Splenda

1 Special K cereal bar

1 custard bun

A bit of bitter melon, egg, and SPAM mixture

1/2 a large banana

Total: 571

My stomach's hurting a little, so I don't feel like eating again today for those 29 extra calories I can afford.

I feel like a little bit of asian thinspo today:

400 Day

FUCK YOU SCALE. FUCK YOU.
This morning I was 109 when yesterday I was 108. I was so fucking pissed when I looked down and saw that. GODDAMIT. The thing is fucking lying, I swear. It's probably because I'm period-bloated, but still. I had 209 cals yesterday, so the scale is full of crap. I'm not letting that sneaky bitch beat me. I simply won't allow myself to be defeated by a scale.

Anyway. Today was the 400 day in my 2468 diet. I think I'm going to add a 1000 day.

Today:
half a large grapefruit with Splenda (53 cal)
1 Mini Babybel Light swiss cheese (50 cal)
1 small Granny Smith apple, baked with cinnamon, ground cloves, nutmeg, and Splenda (65 cal)
1 10cal jello
2 bites of salmon (40)
1 Laughing Cow Light Swiss Original Wedge (35) on a white cheddar rice cake (45)
1 dried fig (40)
a tiny plate of leftover take-out (shrimp, zucchini, mushrooms, carrot slices) (51)
Total: 391

I don't like the feeling of being hungry. I'm tired, I have no energy, my head spins when I walk around. But you get used to it. And it's worth it. Even though I know I should, I haven't exercised lately. I feel too worn out all the time. My mom bought an exercise bike, so I'll start using that soon. Blehg. I feel so tired and useless.

Have some Miranda Kerr. I like how she's Victoria Secret's new face, even though she isn't the typical b-b-b-bombshell model. So adorable.