the warrior falls flat on her face.

Scale said 115.4 this morning. Probably all water weight, so I'm reserving my feelings about it...

I watched a bunch of documentaries today on BBC Amuurica about body image, beauty, etc, etc. One was Super Skinny Me, where two journalists attempt to get into the habits of anorexics. I thought it was interesting how one was dying to "be normal" again during the process while the other one seemed to be really affected by the experiment. The first one admitted from the beginning to have never had a problem with her weight and to even have been model small in her teens. The affected one had had troubles with her weight during puberty while dealing with a boy-dominated boarding school. The affected one went through that familiar cycle - strict restriction with anxiety concerning weight loss/gain, some success, and then binge eating uncontrollably and some purging. Towards the end of the experiment, she seemed almost to be legitimately suffering from an ED when she went to the doctor's and had a mini freakout over them weighing her.

I was really struck with the differences between the journalist's backgrounds. And it seems like it's always something lurking behind the turmoil of restricting and such. Like, the one who had never been particularly bothered with her body image was participating in the experiment from a feminist point of view -- being critical of the media that creates ED girls. The other was participating to be similiarly socially critical, but also to be involved genuinely because of her weight problems in adolescence.

Well. In other news, I feel tired as hell from lack of food. But I did some stair running and tried out some yoga. It was the "warrior" routine, and I'm sure I looked like an idiot. I couldn't do the hardest bit right - balancing on one leg with a hand on the ground to hold weight - and fell over a bunch. Lol. Doing the buddha poses feels silly, too.

meh

117.

Bleh. I feel awful. Right now, if I had to choose between looking at my thighs or stabbing myself in the eye with a meat cleaver, I would choose the latter. Yesterday I consumed about 900 calories, today I've had 580. I'm planning on not eating again today, so fingers crossed. I have to work today, though, so I don't know exactly how that'll go now that I'm restricting again.

I work at a nice restaurant, so I'm sure seeing food everywhere will be fun. I'm a hostess, so it's not like I'm handling food, but still. I hate my job. I'm just not suited to customer service. I'm socially retarded and I fail at being friendly. My personality is the critical, observer type -- not the participator type. Blah, whatevs. I have car insurance to pay for, and I've been thinking about saving up money to get an apartment.

Still living with my parents sucks. I'm only 19, so it's not a big deal, but I still would like to get eff out of here. Getting more independence and all that. Getting away from drama. I just want to be sure that when I do move out, I can afford to. I think it's stupid how some people get apartments but have their parents pay the rent. It's like, way to be a selfish asshole. You're just as dependent as you were before, so why don't you just save your parents the money and live at home? Bleh, one of the many reasons I dislike my brother and my mother's fiance's kids.

Yeah. Found my thinspo folders. May update them later.

Hello again.

It's been a year since I've posted here. So much has happened. I started college and started to like myself more. Everyone (me included) swears that they'll never gain that freshmen fifteen, but I did. I fell off the wagon and gained so much it's embarrassing. College was stressful and hard work and I completely let myself go, eating whatever I wanted. My degree is especially hard because you hit the ground running right from freshmen year. I can't even count how many all nighters I pulled these past two semesters. So I slowly gained and gained.

But I'm putting a stop to it now. I hate the weight I'm at now. But it's conquerable. I did it once, and I can do it again.



Because, of course, all I want is to be skinny enough to run in slow motion off into the sunset. Lol...

Changed the name of the blog from "Having Your Cake and Eating it Too (not)" because I think it's a little lame now...

elegance: rich, poor, sexual and not

So tired. Not feeling sociable. To anyone I follow and/or follows me: I'm always reading, but I don't feel like commenting lately. I empathize with you all. <3

(P.S.: For anyone who feels like answering, what do you think is "elegance"?)

drink yo' corn liquor, let the co-cayyyne be

Moved into my dad's. Not sure how happy I am about this. On one hand, nobody thinks much of it if I don't want to eat a lot (my mother flips the eff out), but on the other hand, there's a lot of temptations here. My mom's poor, so we don't really just buy whatever at the grocery store. But here, with my dad and stepmom, they just buy whatever and don't think anything of it. So that means cakes, chips, and little debbies and whatnot are plentiful. I thought it wouldn't be so bad since my stepmom was doing the weight watchers thing, but she fell off the wagon at some point and now buys ice cream all the time. Too miserable about what I ate today to talk about it. Thought I would be fine with my venti iced americano from starbucks until dinner, but not so! Arghljkdha;oiusdfh, I'm getting my period so I'm all bloated and tired as all get out...

I may go to the really great health/organic grocery store we have here tomorrow. Suggestions, anyone? I think I'll get a few Kombucha, but I dunno what else. I'll take one to the bookstore and read all day there. I think that would be helpful, since I wouldn't be right next to a pantry full of food. I would actually have to pay to eat, and I absolutely HATE spending money. Hate hate hate.

Anyway.
Summer Challenge 2009 Question #2:
What are three positive and/or strange things you have noticed about yourself since you've started restricting?
1. The biggest thing is that I've noticed that I actually have a problem with control. I mean, I sort of knew that I had some OCD behavior problems, but I never really thought about them until I started restricting. I keep remembering strange habits I used to have, or still have, and I've noticed they all sprout from a need to feel empowered/in control.

2. I have a sudden new interest in cooking shows. I like Iron Chef, because it's all, like, "Rawr, look at us manly men chefs cookin' up some fancy pantsy meals. Imma beat you, dammit! Beat you down like I be beatin' dese har eggs for my souffle!" Or something. And I like Throwdown with Bobby Flay. Manly-man ginger cooking man. (I'm really tired right now, btw.)

3. I've noticed that I feel really insecure and uncomfortable when my clothes don't fit. I hate having to adjust my pants when they're falling all over the place. I just feel miserable. For me, it doesn't really even matter that I'm smaller when my clothes don't fit right. I just feel like a complete slob when my clothes are too big.

(Long blah blah here below that you don't really have to read..)
Yeah. Also, I've seen that, on PrettyWreck's poll right asking what people want the most -- most want to have thinner legs, hipbones, etc. It reminded me of a post I read on a CSP (dermatillomania) forum; someone had posted asking if anyone there suffered from an ED as well as CSP. There was one reply that saying they could definitely see how there could be a common thread in the two, because they're both often an effort by the person to desexualize themselves. I think this is pretty true for ED sufferers, especially the full-blown anorexics/bulimics who don't care about their lost period and obsess about thinner thighs and hips. The whole Freudian thing of your subconscious (or is it the superego? I forget) causing you to punish yourself/lash out at yourself for your discomfort with your body/sexuality/etc. I've noticed that a good majority of thinspo is of the legs/thigh/hip area (area of body associated with fertility)... Hmm. I could maybe better explain what I'm trying to say if I was better acquainted with Freud, but w/e... Just thinking aloud here, really.

Why should I wait/ This ice and snow is gonna melt away

105.
Ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz. Still expecting that I may gain back, so I'm not gonna say I've met my first goal just yet, but, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz, ho'fuzz.

Not much to say. Been busy with graduating nonsense, and I still have to pack (like now, lol) for my move out of my mom's place. I'm reading even when I'm not commenting, just so you guys know. xoxo

Also, in other news, if you are even the teensiest bit of a fashion nerd like me, you've noticed that a new sillhouette is being toyed with lately: the harem/ali baba/mc hammer pant. And. I have to confess, I like them! I want a pair, but not anything too expensive, because it's a trend and a pair wouldn't exactly be an investment piece. Haha, I bet you think I'm a tool.

Like anyone else, there are days I feel beautiful and days I don't, and when I don't, I do something about it. -- Cheryl Tiegs

The ability to see beauty is the beginning of our moral sensibility. What we believe is beautiful we will not wantonly destroy. -- Reverend Sean Parker Dennison

Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success. -- Dale Carnegie

I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. -- Leonardo da Vinci

living can be good

Scale read 105.5 this morning.
YES. Success! It's only 1/2 a pound, but damn it feels good. Probably water weight/gonna gain it back, but it feels so so so wonderful for now. Pretty much makes up for shopping with my mother yesterday -- freaking nightmare and terrible, terrible idea that I will never repeat. I'm going to be marvelous tonight at my banquet.

Sending good vibes to all of you out there. <3