I guess I was wrong.

I did, in fact, need you, oreos. 13. 13! I'm so ashamed. All spread out through the day. And that's not all. Today was a major carb binge day. Approx. 1560 cals.

I worked out like crazy, though. Lunges, squatz, leg lifts, crunches, and an hour and a half on the exercise bike. So that, including my "lifestyle," still gave me a calorie deficit of 1715 (according to FitDay, the website I use for calorie counting and weight tracking). But I'm sure my BMR is so screwed now that the deficit is much lower. Argh...

I read an article earlier that said that women who eat less than 1200 calories a day can slow down their metabolisms up to 45%. 45! And, according to various calculators and things that I've done, I should be eating about 1500-1200 calories a day. But I usually stay within the 300-1000 range, with the occasional day like today with 1500-1700.

Ugh. I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to start a juice fast and another part of me wants to eat "normally" for a few days to boost my metabolism. But. Next week I have important meals to think about. My senior banquet, my lunch before graduation, and the dinner after graduation. I'm afraid that if I start eating "normally" for a few days, and then have those meals at the end, I'll completely loose control.

I think this is what I'll do: "fast" as much as I can. I.e. skip as many meals as possible, but if there's an occasion when I can't avoid it, I won't sweat it if I have to eat the fish or the chicken or w/e. I'm not going to sacrifice those special meals. The formalized meal is a special ritual that humans are intrinsically attatched to. We celebrate with meals, we mourn with meals, we express love with meals. Knowing the right time to indulge with a meal is key, though. Anyway, after graduation, I'll eat "normally" for 2-3 days for a metabolism boost, then go from there.

Dear self: you want to be fabulous in your banquet dress and your graduation dress. You also will NOT eat any more oreos.

Chocolate Thinspo

Screw you oreos. I don't need you. I don't need all your sugar and fat. I don't need your unsupportive b.s. Do you know why? Because I can have chocolate thinspo instead, dammit.

Ubah Hassan and Alek Wek.

In the dictionary, next to "amazing" is this picture of Alek's body. Dayum.

THAT Profile

I like interesting, strong profiles. Not just on models, but on anyone. There's something about a profile, as opposed to a direct frontal view, that has a more subtle, yet more stark beauty. I like seeing the type of person who can have an amazing profile, but a so-so frontal, and vise-versa.

Well, anyway. Weight was the same. Total intake today: 400-450 cal.

I have a question for anyone in the know: Recently, I've been doing a lot of C&S'ing. I read somewhere that even if you don't swallow, you're absorbing calories somehow through the mouth. Is this true? If so, what's the percent absorbed?

I'm doing well getting it all spit out before I swallow as a reflex. The trick, for me, is to not chew the food completely. I'm so used to now chewing my food until it's liquefied (sp?) that I can pull a fast one on my mouth by spitting out. And my mouth is all like, "WTF BIOTCH. THAT OREO WAS REALLY TASTY." ;-;

My mom bought a huge thing of oreos. ::sob:: At least there's no milk or peanut butter in the house. I would be seriously screwed otherwise. Unscrew the oreo + a touch of peanut butter in the middle + reconstructing the pumped oreo + dunking it half (half!! for optimum mixture of soggy + crunchy) = FFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUU- delish!

Sorry if that made you crave oreos. Writing about it was a nice release...

It's Monday But The Week Is Over Already

106. <3 Just a little bit more and I'll have a bmi under 20!

Not much to say, so here's some Karlie Kloss. So young and pretty!

So damned pretty. She takes makeup well.

P.S.: I was watching Iron Chef America. And. I totes have a crush on Bobby Flay. <3 He's married to that woman who was Alex (?) on Law & Order. But it's cool. I liked her better than the next chick... Casey?

In other inspiration...

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." ~ Maryanne Williamson

Replace "God" with appropriate substitution if you're not down with that, yo. <3

I'm going to sound like a whiny bitch, but...

This post is mostly me being a little whiny... fyi.

I started the day yesterday with (horror!) a chocolate chip pancake. I really, really didn't want to eat it, but my stepmom made them. And we used to have them all the time, so it was a family "thing." I didn't want to be rude, so I had a small one (140ish cals). I would have C&S'ed it, but we were out of napkins...

I didn't have anything else until dinner b/c I went out shopping for the upcoming banquet and graduation. And that was a miserable experience.

When I started restricting I was a size 4. Now, my 4s are all too baggy on me, so I'm down to a 2. And I'm really pleased with this! For reals, I love the fact that I can pick out a size 2 pair of pants or an extra-small sweater and fit them like a glove. But shopping yesterday was terrible because I spent about eight hours trying to find size 2's in anything decent. I would spot really cute sweaters or dresses but it wouldn't be in my size. I tried looking for a pair of jeans, for instance. I probably looked through hundreds of CK jeans at the department store, but I couldn't find a single 2x30 skinny jean. I would have settled for a lean bootcut, but they didn't even have those.

The looking for, and failing to find, a pair of CK jeans really upset me. Which may seem stupid. But, my CK jeans have been my favorites for the past two years, and not being able to feel fabulous in them anymore because I'm always pulling them up gets to me. I really felt like crying after going through all those jeans yesterday... I felt guilty because. I don't know really, maybe the fact that what I'm doing right now isn't exactly "right" or I'm crazy for doing these things. Like I'm being punished for being a neurotic food-restricter by not being allowed to find clothes...

And yesterday, I was browsing through one of my favorite fashion blogs. It's written by this woman who's a size 12/14, but she's got such great taste in clothes that her size is really irrelevant. Anyway, she made a post talking about how she's glad that there all these higher-end designers doing affordable lines that also cater to the larger woman (which I'm glad about, too!). But she went on to criticize the catering to the size 4 and under. Which made me feel guilty all over again. Like, stop picking on the smaller sizes, goddamit. I don't make other people feel terrible for being size 12/14/16/whatever. So why is it okay to make the size 4/2/0/etc. to feel bad about their bodies?

Sorry, I don't want to come off as being an ass, but I really needed to get this out of my system..

Ol' Skool Thinspo

Yesterday's total: 904 cals. So much worse than I had intended. A teacher brought food to class, and I ate too much...

I'm not going to get hung up on it, though. I just have to do better.

Anyways. Here's some old school thinspo I've found. Lol..

WARNING: There's nudity ahead. Several pics from victoriporn.com.

I don't even have an excuse.

Weighed in at 107.5 this morning.

Binged today. 1651 cals. That's 151 over what is reccomended for a normal person my height. I don't even have the words for how terrible I feel. What the hell am I doing? I gain a pound and decide that it's a good time to eat like a hog? Ugh. I would limit myself to only juice tomorrow, but I have to drive for three hours, so I may just eat something before I leave.

Have some thinspo.